What if I did stand up?

Chapter 2

Fast forward to those precarious teen years. I really wasn't too funny during these years -

menstrual cramps every month, hair gel hadn't been invented hence a large bush affixed to my head, realization that I was (am) a lesbian, too tall for boys (I hadn't admitted to myself I was gay so I still thought boys were good for my ego). I wasn't able to excel at basketball since that hadn't come to our school yet so I played on the golf team. This had zero status but there was a really cute girl on an opposing team so it wasn't a waste. Anyway, I believe I have gotten my point across that high school was no place for me to practice my craft. I could have tried the drama club perhaps but I was already teetering on the lower end of the popularity scale so I remained funny only to myself. I was able to gather material, most of which I have forgotten - until now.

As I entered my early 20's I was heavy into substances. Some made me less funny, some made me a comic genius, or so I thought. I recall a night in Tulsa Ok in the early 80's where I had indulged in a substance of unpredictability and wound up doing an all-night monologue while traipsing through downtown Tulsa. I was on fire that night. Problem was, no one remembers any of it, myself included. My only memory involved tumbling, somersaults, and some reference to Nadia Comenicci. It doesn't sound funny now but I think it was then. Where did this lead me to next, you ask? A long dry spell while working as a nurse. There's a profession that lacks humor, but wait, does it really? Seems to me there could be a treasure trove of material in there somewhere. Enemas, bedpans, poo, measuring appendages that shouldn't be measured. Well, needless to say I didn't take advantage of my many fun-filled experiences doing patient care but I did develop some delightful spider veins on my legs that resemble a roadmap of the places I have travelled. My head is filling up with a lot of good material but I have shoved it aside to learn how to calibrate some life saving equipment and so forth. What a waste. Well, unless you are the on the receiving end of that equipment. I realized I could fill my pockets with enough stuff to fill at least a 5 minute open mike night but the local comedy club but fear caught hold of me and so I would have to endure nursing for many years to come.

I'll dance ahead because even I am getting weary of this. I moved to Florida, found a new me, started to research being a stand-up and found out it isn't simply standing in front of a group of people trying to get them to laugh at what you believe is life's absurdities. There are books on this subject. Most written by comics who probably never tried any of these techniques but had made it big so they wanted to "give back". I pored over these, took notes, almost called about an open mike night in the area but then that nasty fear crept up and choked the funny out of me once again. By now you readers know where we are headed in this saga. Yup, nursing wins out again and my funny bone turn arthritic. So, on a happy note, I will close this chapter and start again soon.

As is my usual, thanks for stopping by.

What if I did stand up?

Chapter 1

What is that saying that makes reference to hearing something more than once? Better yet, what is the message? Well, I believe I know the answer to that question. If you continually hear suggestions, hints, proposals, and so forth it is worth looking into. There is something to be said for having a "fresh set of eyes" or an unemotional opinion when trying to catch the elusive passion of your life. Funny thing is, I even have a hard time writing it down as I feel it may sound grandiose, verbose, bellicose, or Glenn Close. It is being a stand-up comedian. Yes, it is a lofty goal but who better than I to point out the absurdities of life. I can start with my life and the fact that it was as normal as the Cleavers, Huxtables, and even that family on Little House on the Prairie except for the blind sister, which I didn't have. There was that one uncle but all I heard about him was something about a dress, a closet, and a revolving door of men which I didn't understand until years later.

My childhood memories start around the time I entered Catholic school. I am sure there is a damning reason for that. I started gravitating to the wrong crowd at a young age. First grade to be exact. My brother, a friend of his and I decided to cut through the church as it would save a few steps to the school. This was the first error of judgment but, I was only 7. I remember the day as though it had happened yesterday. Why is that the case? I don't remember where I put my keys half the time but I can remember getting into trouble in the first grade. Anyway, suffice it to say, the holy water is not to be used for dousing, the church is "not the house of the devil", and worse still, the principal (where we naturally ended up) was a dead-ringer for Miss Gultch on the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified, but for some reason we were let off without a word to our parents. We did receive a hefty dose of Hail Marys, The Lord' Prayer, and a rosary or two. I would like to say I learned my lesson and although I didn't repeat those same infractions, I did pile up a list of others. Fortunately, I stayed under the radar until the 5th grade. By then my brother had made a name for both of us so I had no chance. The ironic twist was he decided to transfer to the public school to complete his illustrious school career while I fought off his misdeeds and tried to resurrect the Smith name from the gutter. Again, I believe this all went unnoticed or kept from my parents so without the proper punishment I was destined to repeat my bad behavior.

It taught me a number of lessons though. One being the use of humor to try to defuse a situation. This doesn't always work and I believe books and scholarly articles have been written recently strongly advising against this tactic as it has been found to be annoyingly distracting. Back in the 60's there was no such thing as self-help books, unless you count Betty Crocker, so I could try any tactic I wished. It was also a way to ingratiate myself into people's company that I might not have been welcome in had I not used humor. I suspect there has been something written about the unhealthy repercussions of this ploy as well but I made good use of it. I would like to say I would be trotted out in front of company to perform when I was a child as this would have certainly aided me later, it was not the case. Because as much as I used humor inappropriately at times, I was uncomfortable using it as a real shtick.

Although it seems like my childhood flew by there, I am going to put in a break here. I believe revealing too much at one time lessens the mystery plus I really do have to consider looking through the want ads. Unfortunately, I saw no ads for a stand-up, so I have to look through the adult sections now.

As per usual, thanks for stopping by and I will return shortly.

Squeezing into a life too tight

I spent a long day with my friend Alison yesterday despite the fact she is in California and I am in Kansas. Suffice it to say, I may need to increase my minutes with Verizon. It was a learning and reaffirming conversation which I definitely needed to hear... again.

Why is it we feel the need to swim against our own current? Maybe you don't and for that I say, "good for you", but for the rest of us it confounds me to think we spend most of your lives trying to find our passion or resigning ourselves to the fact we have no real passion so we just endure. It goes against our spirit and our soul. It robs us of our child-like need to explore, undeterred by our surroundings. Is it really that hard to return to who we really are?

I allow myself to be bombarded with with feelings of "responsibility" yet I find myself deeper in debt, less fulfilled, and searching harder than ever. This is work I never signed up for.

My whole world view has changed over the last few years but I remain attached to a career that no longer speaks to me. I am having a hard time letting it go because it is familiar although no longer comfortable. Perhaps my feelings of discomfort are my final push to what will come next. I certainly hope so because in having spent the better part of my life doing what I felt was right and responsible I have created a person who has sacrificed any sense of creativity and wonderment which I had as a child. I think for today I am not going to try to "find" a job. I will see if one shows up that fits me. I have done a disservice to myself by trying to conform to a position which will no longer be a good fit. By doing so I may be missing something that really does allow me the degree of tranquility and peace we all deserve.

As usual, I am glad you stopped by.

And take note, these kind of posts are not to be the norm. That really would put me over the edge.

Being "let go" can mean only one thing... or not.

It would be negligent of me to not include a note on what life is like after being fired. Initially I thought about what phrase or verbiage I should use to describe my situation. Here were some thoughts:

1. Getting the ax - very obvious intent and I might add, quite painful sounding. You sure can't mistake that for "you're getting a promotion".

2. You're canned - not as obvious but nationally understood. Note: if working for a third world charity you may want to get clarification as this term could mean a number of things.

3. The company is de-cruiting. Although this isn't an actual word it is a clever euphemism which you may wish to research before thinking about asking for a raise.

4. Lastly, head-consolidation. This could be mistaken for a medical term so beware.

Even though I may have wanted to hide beneath these silly corporate terms, I've decided it is ok to say, "I've been fired". It seems to work for Donald Trump week in and week out.

When you have determined you've been fired, don't go graciously. I made this mistake and will live to regret it. Take whatever tact you desire but don't let this opportunity slip away. Pointing out facial hair(only effective if manager is a woman), food stuck in teeth, dandruff, and the dreaded body odor. All of these are winners in my book.

Try to find a witness to sit in on your "re-engineering" session. You can bet your manager will have one there and you should not be going it alone. You may need this person somewhere down the road so get a number.

Before being escorted off the premises make sure everyone knows you have been fired! You will find you have more allies than you realize. If not, at least everyone won't be forced to parrot the standard, "she no longer works for such and such company". People will actually thank you.

Make sure you get everything that belongs to you. I left a rather expensive toaster behind and it bothers me to think that some of my new enemies may be using it. Further, can I really afford to leave another toaster behind? This statement means more if you know how many times I have moved in the last several years.

Although you have just shouted your current situation to anyone within yelling distance, walk out with grace and decorum. Do not run but don't loiter either. The last you want is Joe Security following you through the halls of said company.

Once you are safely aware from the building, flip them off - they deserve it.

The next few weeks will suck unless you get a job the next day and I would hesitate starting some place so soon. You will need time to de-fuse (an actual word) first. Bringing all these emotions to a new job can only spell - "You're being corporately-sized to fit with our new vision". It is what it is and life will go on.

As per usual,

Thanks for stopping by.

Sarah and the Palinites, or "How I lost my way today"

I thought seriously about foregoing my real thoughts for a typical Happy 4th of July blog but, needing to be true to myself and my two readers, I must plow ahead with how I really feel.

By now everyone has read about S. Palin's abrupt departure as governor of the "great state of Alaska". I swear I have never seen or read Alaska being mentioned any other way. Is it because it is situated where we can so easily forget it (pre-Palin of course) or is it really that much greater than the lower 48? And 48, what about Hawaii? And then there is Guam, for g_d's sake. What is that all about? They vote for what???

Back to Sarah.

For any who are so inclined her written speech is a hoot. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/03/sarah-palin-resignation-s_n_225557.html

The caps and quotes, underlines, and jibberish are all hers.

The reason I am so angered or distracted has more to do with me than her antics as I have allowed myself to get caught up in this media hype. Thankfully I have only spent the better part of 4, maybe 5 days following the Jacko insanity. Madonna is to pay tribute tonight in a London concert by emulating some of his dance moves. Hmm, let's hope she hasn't withered down to 112 pounds and isn't leaking precious serum from a bunch of needle holes. I think 50 should be the cutoff for performances by "stars". I think of myself trying to pull off a concert. Granted, I have no talent for dance, no stamina, no outfits or back-up dancers to cover up my mistakes but it just seems wrong for the 50 something Madonna to be moon-walking with a newly bought infant clinging to her, singing, "Like a Virgin" Don't you see something unnatural about this or is just jealousy on my part?

Back to Sarah.

So, there is much speculation about Sarah's motive(s) for announcing her resignation. The gamut runs from, she's in trouble facing a federal indictment to Trig needs a mother because we have been so mean to him. "We" being the press and so forth who have made fun of him. I must have missed that. I surmised she was using him as a prop but I could be all wrong about that. Shame on "we". Whatever the reason, it has distracted us once again from focusing on what is important, myself included. I had been filling out another application when the headline came across my desktop. That is not true. I had to hunt around just a bit. Regardless, I may have missed an employment opportunity due to this distraction and I will never get that time back. That is why I am angry at myself. That and the fact that Sarah will reap bazillions of dollars for being a stumbling, bumbling baffoon and I will never crack 6 figures. What is wrong with this? How did we get so far off track? Oops, gotta go, they just found another needle hole in Jacko's ______(fill in the blank). No doubt pops will want another autopsy. Hasn't that man suffered enough?

As usual,

Thanks for stopping by

Just another day

The rent is due and the money is in short supply. I cried in my coffee necessitating making a new pot, causing waste. An so it goes....

What is happening seems to be happening in a wider swath than I even realized. When you are poor, you gravitate to poor. So, to remedy that - I am now starting to hang out with "smarties" which may be the same as crooks. It is hard to discern. Have you ever wondered about a company, did a scam search and then wondered if the search was rigged by the company or their competition? It can become very confusing and lead straight to paranoia. I have a helmet close by, just in case.

My friend Alison suggests that I apply to write on the Stephen Colbert show. I don't like that show so I wonder if that would preclude me from getting a job? I'm thinking it might be an asset. I thought I liked nursing and look where it has gotten me. So let's try reverse psychology.

My mother suggested I try vet tech school. It does sound appealing as I do love animals. Problem is one of needing to relocate with no money to do so. However, if I am to use the power of positive thinking, I should already imagine I am a vet tech. So, do any of your pets need spayed or neutering? Maybe just a shot or something easy. How about a bath? That could lead me to dog grooming and then right down to dog walking. Perhaps that's the course I should take. I CAN still walk. Although if I stay in the bed much longer I can kiss that career goodbye, as well. Much to ponder here with all these possibilities. And I thought my options were few. As per usual, thanks for stopping by.

We all have to start somewhere

Oh, getting the party started is never fun. I would rather come in after the hoopla is in full-swing, thereby blending in. Sometimes a seeing eye dog or white cane does the trick as most people will give you a wide berth and rarely initiate conversation. I guess it has something to do with thinking all of your senses are kaput. The props can be nice ice-breakers as well. Remember though, you will only be able to attend one shindig per prop - for obvious reasons. I seem to be digressing from my real purpose.

Feeling my fingers getting nimble, I am ready to take the blog plunge.

I'm venturing into the world of online advertising perhaps someday to make some money although my real impetus is gaining knowledge creating web sites and learning to link all of my sites together then hopefully with others. Since I currently have no gainful employment, it seems to be the perfect time. I should explain why I am unemployed but that story is a blog and a half and I need to stay focused on this one task. Trust me, I have not mastered the art of multi-tasking although I can drink and type almost simultaneously. Anyway, now is not the time to stir up my emotions as my medication is kicking in finally. Well, that statement is just not true. I am not taking anything and some would say, "that is not a good idea". I say pish-posh. I prefer to wallow in my self-pity awhile longer as I am not a complete burden to anyone that I know of. My parents may disagree with this although the chances of them stumbling onto this site are as likely as me sporting a bikini for the summer. Both will never happen, ever.

So, back to my task. I will wrap up blog #! shortly so I can see if I can connect this site with my Facebook page, Twitter, and my new Squidoo page. That chore smells a lot like multi-tasking and I broke out in a tepid sweat. I will bid all two of you good day and when I come back hopefully you can reach me at any of those named places from here.

Thanks for stopping by